The Anti- Groupie That is Me.

Since I started my Life Detox, I have fallen into the trap of social retardation. For two weeks, I've been to two places: work (and what's part of it) and  my house. I’ve never stepped out of the room, much less have seen the light of day during my days off.  And when I‘m around people, I’m completely off, even though I am making a conscious effort to function normally.

Not that I am really looking for affirmation of any kind. But ever since I became aware with the fact that I am and can be uber manic- depressive, I was always conscious on how I react to unlikable situations that I come across with. (Somebody said  to me that secretly, deep, deep down inside me, whenever I say that “I could not be bothered”, it only means that I am truly bothered.  I hate it when people have me all figured out.)

Back to my story.

The few times that I had any social interaction, which is at work, I would go on a fun-frenzy that’s almost retarded. During my last flight, I was a social butterfly to the passengers. I went on and on with stories, witty banter and profound thoughts. I was on a roll! On a 6h30m flight, I only sat down during take off and landing. I took over the lounge at one point, talking to five different people and sharing stories with them. If my manager just saw how switched-on and awesome I was, she would’ve given me a promotion right on the spot.

After the flight, I felt the crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Not because I didn’t stop working… it's because being around too many people just gets into my skin.

The thing about me is I don’t do barkada. Others enjoy and feel more comfortable having a lot of people around them on a regular or daily basis. The times that I do go out with a bunch of people is so rare that I actually miss it whenever I am in that moment. But when the fun ends, I do not have the need to be in a herd anymore.

The most common scenario in a group, especially the big ones, is that you really get along with two or three people max, then the rest are insignificant or fullofcrap. But you have to be equally nice to everyone because that’s just the way it is. Especially when we're basing it on the Filipino culture.  The barkada, more than friendship, is focused on solidarity, loyalty and sticking up to your own no matter what the stakes are. The stupid Value of Shame also dictates that we should always be "shameful" to others on how we think, what we say and how we act. In other words, never go against the crowd in any way. Fool yourself if you have to. The perfect crowd- pleaser. That's the Filipino. (And that's another looonnggg topic to be discussed soon).

One- on- one conversations is the best for me. You wouldn’t go out with a person you hate, right? With a group, you cannot tell them to un-invite a prick. You would only go out of your way to be with a person and actually spend time talking with them if you truly want to, because you always have a choice. The best part of this type of friendship is that you can be yourself and no one else.

Back to the I-couldn’t-be-bothered point that was raised, yes, I do care about what other people think. But if, and only IF, you are one of those people that I would have coffee, cigarettes and conversations with from sun up to sun down... and then some. I have a few of them, but most are far away, some are busy with their own thing. 

But one of them is always present, in fact, he is my favorite. From the trivial to the integral, the conversations flow so well and our brain waves are so in sync. It’s almost like I am talking to myself, only smarter and wiser beyond my youthful years. This is probably why I don’t have the need to be out and about lately, because I have a deep connection with the world; the world as I see it. May the force be with you, old man!