Next Stop: The Geriatric Ward!

I knew this day would come, but I wasn’t prepared for it. I know I haven’t been mobile in anyway for the past few weeks. So far, my only physical activity is taking a shower, going to the toilet… and that’s it. Most of my days are spent in front of my laptop, and I seriously could see a huge butt stamp in my bed whenever I get out of it. That‘s how bad it is.

My back has been killing me the past few months. It doesn’t help that my physical activity is limited to distances less than 12 feet at .00005km/h, which  by the way, occurs less than ten times a  day. For those who don’t know me very well, I am lazy. Seriously lazy. While most people take real pleasure on having an active lifestyle, I would rather watch The Nanny reruns all day long. This bum-like regimen never got its toll on me because I’ve been living like this as long as I can remember.

Sure, I’ve tried the “healthy lifestyle”- going to the gym everyday, knowing the calorie count of anything I put in my mouth, eating organic as much as I can--- you know, the typical Women’s Health crap. I managed to fool myself for a year. I also told people around me that I enjoyed every part of it. But the reality is, I was miserable every minute because the thought of me just having a bite of that sinful Krispy Kreme is gonna cost me 30 minutes of cardio hell.

So I’m back to doing my old thing, which is nothing. A few days ago, I experienced enormous amount of pain at my lower back. I tried cracking and kneading my back with a plastic massager, but the pain was still there. I was hoping that it’ll be gone as the days passed, but it became worse. The pain at my lower back reached until the middle of my spine all the way to the last bone of my buttocks. I could literally feel my nerves and muscles pinch and throb even when I’m not moving. The pain didn’t make sense to me. Even though I have not been active most of my life, I never experienced anything like this. And then it hit me, it hit me like the first sunshine you see when you wake up: I am getting old.

I always teased people older than me because of the changes that they go through as the years pass. And now, I am starting to live that path. Scared like shit, I spent most of the day yesterday  doing stretches and yoga just to ease the pain at my back. While doing this, every single joint in my body cracked. My neck, my whole spine, my knees, my ankle, my shoulders, my wrist… literally, everything! I felt so much better after that. And just when I was about to go back to my bed again, as soon as I sat down I heard and felt the joints at my back and the sockets of my pelvic bone pop. I was only trying to sit down!!!

I did my stretches and yoga again. The popping of my joints reduced but my shoulders, neck and back are still stiff. If I try to make a figure-8 motion using my  shoulder and arms; the popping is so constant that it sounded like a machine gun. If I put pressure on any part of my vertebrae, the joint would just pop. Literally. I tried acupressure, which is suppose to reduce the actual pain that I feel. It did help, but my bones and joints still won’t stop popping. At this point, I could not deny it anymore. My body is already older that I am.

I tried to deny the signs for the longest time. The grey hair in my head started come out two years ago. I’ll take  out one or two sometimes, but as the months passed, every time I stroke my hair, dozens of those damn greys would show. Now, I color my hair not because I want a different look but I am trying to cover the evidence that I will be 30, 40, and 50 soon. And don’t get me started on the fine lines in my face, that I now need exactly 6-7 hours of sleep (no more, no less) to be able to function and the fact that I could not eat all the fat on my beloved pork chops because I get really dizzy.

Nevermind all these. But it sucks that I have to go through the aging process NOW.  It sucks to know also that I could not get away with just staying in bed the whole day and doing nothing. I do not like pain, panting, going to the gym, the beach, hot sun and the sand on my feet. I enjoy being a bum. And while the whole world is doing Body Pump, I’m having my cup of coffee and cigarettes while people- watching at a coffee shop.

I've been living the bum life and I love every minute of it. I guess it’s now time for ultimate payback and hit the damn treadmill along with the fat middle- aged men and women, just like me, who never want to get any older than 25.