Afternoon Delight

Would you care for Tea? Earl Grey? Certainly.

Do you take milk or sugar with that?

How about a snack? Pussy cupcake, perhaps?

Yes, Pussy.

Music Therapy

Funerals are Fun!

The Chinese believe that a funeral is the benchmark of a family's status symbol. They blow off most of their savings just to have a glamorous funeral for all the nosy neighbors to see.

Guest count is also as important as having a pimped- out funeral. The number of mourners is directly proportionate to the family of the dead dude's popularity, status symbol and importance to the community.

So how do they draw the crowd to the boring, depressing tribute for the dead?

STRIPPERS!!!

This new-age funeral practice is getting more and more common in the provincial regions of China. What ever happened to karaoke or contortionists for entertainment? Who am I kidding, pretty young thangs sexy dancing to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" is a sure hit for any crowd, especially that of a male- dominated population! Who says you can't mourn and have a boner at the same time?

And see, the dead dude is smiling in the picture as we speak. Plus side of this, his wife hand- picked the sultriest stripper just for him. There is, indeed, heaven in the afterlife.

Unfocused Sensate

Why can't I get just one kiss?

Why can't I get just one kiss?

Believe me there's some things that I wouldn't miss

But I look at your pants and I need a kiss!

Why can't I get just one screw?

Why can't I get just one screw?

Believe me I know what to do!

But something won't let me make love to you.

Why can't I get just one fuck?

Why can't I get just one fuck?

I guess it's got something to do with luck!

But I waited my whole life for just one...

 

Sex is fucking overrated. Pfffftttt.  

Getting Over a Broken Heart

Dear Tough Love Tin,

Everything about the man still resounds in my beaten heart and nagging head. The love affair that ended with a few words but started with none. If forgetting is impossible, I just wish that my senses would leave my beat up mind and heavy heart in peace.

The sound of his voice, and of the beautiful laughter we had when we were together keeps playing at the back of my head. The smell of his perfume and the taste of his mouth randomly haunts me even at the deepest of my sleep. The shadows of his face and how his eyes glowed with every change of emotion, and how soft his touch felt is making me want him more rather than move on. But I never knew him, the totality of him. I just know that I loved every second of the time he was looking my way, even if I never knew what I really mean to him. Our love affair ended even before they began our sweet surrenders.

What should I do? Everything about him won’t escape me! HELP!”

- HOPELESS CASE

Dear Hopeless Case,

Like death and birth, every second in every part of the world, somebody out there is getting their heart broken. By now, people being creatures of habit must know already how to dodge the senses and just move on. But why does a broken heart get the best of us? Why do we never learn? Because emotions are not like anything else in this world. It is not tangible, therefore, we don’t know what we are faced with.

Hopeless Case, you are not so hopeless. Now, this all depends on how strong you are as a person and how you cope with things. The intensity of the relationship and the length of it also has a lot to do with the time and effort you‘ll be needing to cure your disease. Don't worry, you’ll get over it. Suck it up!

The best advice I can give you is do what I do, it works for a stubborn love fool such as myself.

Step 1: TORTURE

Do what you do now, only more. SULK. Relish the pain, torture yourself with the thoughts of him until you get so tired that you just cry yourself to sleep. Turn the lights down low and play the saddest songs on your play list, crank it up! After setting the mood, look at pictures of him and you, of him every single moment. Whine, cry and vent to your friends and obsess about every single detail of your relationship until they are sick and tired of you. Stalk him on Facebook, if you want. Ask about him, but don’t make it sound that you’re angry or indifferent. There’s nothing more pathetic than a woman pretending to be strong but the whole world can see that she’s just a hopeless mess.

If your common friends ask you on how you are doing, politely say that you are having a hard time, but you know life has to go on. An honest enough answer that would not trigger suspicion of your undergoing self- destruction, but realistic enough that you can fool people into thinking that you are moving on.

Don’t let him know or give any hint that you are suffering. Do not post any sappy status message or write on your blog what you’re going through because of his loss. And by any means, DO NOT drunk dial or communicate with him at all! You never, ever wanna lose face to your ex. Try not to lose focus on your job, or school (although this is going to happen anyway). If another part of your life suffers, it would be harder for you to move on. People close to you are probably so sick and pissed off of your neurosis after all this time of whining, but they’ll get over it. As of this point, you shouldn’t care too much about them. Self pity is the key, you are all alone in this battle. Do Step 1 for a month or two, maximum 3.

Step 2: LIMITS

You should be tired at this point already. Physically, you should’ve gained or lost a lot of weight and you look like trash. After all that thinking, you should’ve also thought about the bad things about him and the relationship, too. The guy couldn’t be all that great! Think about these things now. Think about his most annoying qualities and how you lived with it. Think about how he flirted around with other girls and the times that he lied to you. Think of all the negative!

This is the time that you should talk to your friends. Ask them what they really think about him. Most probably, they’ve told you time and again how they hated his guts or how they didn’t like bits and pieces of him. Refresh your memory and listen to them. It would sound different this time because now, you want to get over him already. I learned in life that half of the time, your close friends and family are right about their view of your partner.

Change your focus to these things but have the same intensity of sulking as much as you did when you were craving for him. But don’t lose sight of the truth. Don’t exaggerate or fabricate negative things about him in your head. It’s a common mistake of the scorned, but you can never lie to yourself. Ever.

Now stop asking about him. Do everything ONLY 3 times a day: Look at his profile only 3 times a day instead of setting it as a homepage to your browser. Look at photos only 3 times a day, and only allow yourself to feel pathetic 3 times a day. Most importantly, think about your memories with him only 3 times a day. The latter is more difficult, but you’ll learn to control your mind when you are doing this. Just believe that you can! Duration of this is 2 weeks to a month, max. Step 2 is more of a transition than an actual step.

Step 3: LIGHTEN UP

Think about the time you wasted obsessing about him. Think about the parties you’ve missed out and the dates that you’ve canceled because you were still attached to the idea of him and him coming back. Stop checking your phone every five seconds because he might’ve texted. Stop deleting his name on the phonebook because you know his number by heart anyway. Tell yourself not to care if he does anything to be noticed, like message you or call you all of a sudden. He does not exist.

Try to avoid places that you think you’ll see him. Block him on your messenger list. Step 3 is when you start taking care of yourself. Always be at your best. Look good. Meet other people, but don’t jump into another relationship. Look at being single as a privilege. Flirt and feel beautiful. At this point, you might feel a little bit of resentment towards the guy… allow yourself to feel angry. But don’t let your anger towards him get the best of you like it did the time you were hopelessly in love. You’ll miss him and his memory would still haunt you. Try to distract yourself if this does happen.

Lightening up is sparing yourself from the mind games and puzzles that you put yourself into. Stop torturing yourself with the what- if’s. There is no what- if’s in your equation anymore. Lightening up is healing the scars, and accepting certain realities. This is the longest process. Take your time with this one because Step 4 is not for the faint of heart.

Step 4: REALITY BITES

Slowly, you’ll realize that he is not your world anymore. The mere mention of his name will still pinch a nerve in your heart, but at least you’re not crumbling into pieces anymore. Now, you have to accept the fact that he has moved on. Guys cope better with a broken heart compared to girls because of their logical brainwave, or at least handle it better. You have to really believe in the fact that it didn’t work out and you have to move on. You have no choice.

Now, you can go to the places that he frequents at. Don’t be scared if you bump in to him. If you’re alone and he is with someone else, the more that you have to approach him and say hi. He was a part of your life but he is not your life anymore. Think about him fondly, but never forget the pain that he put you through.

I never believe that ex’s can be friends, but some people say it works. Give it a couple of years. You might feel guilty or compelled to still be part of his life for “force of habit” reasons, but this is not a good idea. Ending a relationship, especially on a bitter note, has no room for pleasantries even if you started off as friends. Why? Because if you still have the need to be a part of his life or him as a part of yours, there is still a part of you that’s holding on to him, but not the idea of you and him. And remember why you liked him at the first place? Because he is the person that he is. Ergo, the perfect time to be friends with an ex is only when you don’t really have the need for him to be a part of your life. Your source of happiness is gonna come only from you, and you alone.

Hopeless Case, People forget that they are individuals. They link their happiness and their whole being to the world. What if your world crumbles? Nobody dies of emotional pain, let’s just put it that way. Empower yourself! What’s hard about life is everything is linked. Just when you thought that things are not gonna get any worse, it does. You might have neglected other parts of your life or they also screwed up in the process of your heart mending. Fix yourself. And if you do decide to start again with another relationship, well, just make sure that the next guy does not pay for the sins of the others that broke your heart. Give it all your best, but leave your senses intact.

Good luck Hopeless Case, and may the force of Tough Love be with you!

Tin

Getting Over a Broken Beauty

I just spent around a hundred dollars yesterday on makeup. Although this is so unlikely for me to do, I just couldn’t resist the cute packaging and affordability of vanity products in South Korea. Local brands like Skin Food, Face Shop and Missha are sold only a quarter of the price compared to anywhere else in the world, so yeah, I just went gaga!

I spend a lot of my money on clothes, too. From hoodies to dresses and rugged to girly tops that most of  it still has a price tag on, I always think I have nothing to wear. Bags and shoes are up there on my “things I cannot resist” list. A wide variety of kicks and funky flats are home to my feet, and the bags that I fondly call as my “babies” always see the light of day and they are used and overused just because they are beautiful.

Yes, I do have a shopping addiction. I like pretty things, but not in a cheesy- girly kind of way (nothing pink!). I like looking good, even if I just sport a plain black tee with comfy cargo’s and flip- flops. I buy things that can make me look different, or bluntly speaking, make me stand up from the rest of the crowd.

Despite the cockiness, self- centered and overconfident image that I project, I am very insecure. Growing up as an overweight child, I never wished for anything else but to look pretty and be slim. I would envy girls who didn’t feel grossed out with their bodies and had boys admiring them. I somehow looked the part, but because I was on the heavy side until after college, I didn’t think much of myself which clearly reflected on how I dealt with certain situations and people.

Even if I projected an image of self- absorption, I was dying inside and I sold myself short with dicks and assholes, just because I thought that they were the best I could get for being fat and unattractive. And of course, boys never liked girls smarter than them, much less physically unattractive ones. So I had to bend, play dumb most of the time until I just snap and move on to an equally dumb jerk that would give me a fresh start.

I don’t know how my battle with weight loss began. I just started losing weight, running everyday and eating healthy. Before I knew it, I was losing 5, 10 then 15 pounds in a matter of a few months. From an overweight girl to weighing almost a hundred pounds, I still didn’t feel good about myself even after losing all that weight. I always struggled for physical perfection. A skinny girl trapped in a chubby girl’s body, that’s who I was. That’s still the way I am.

Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I just see certain parts of my body that I think is just wrong and ugly. My fat cottage-cheese thighs, my never EVER flat tummy, my small flat almost- Filipino nose, and my chest that’s flat as a board. My weight fluctuates every now and again, and because of this, I’m starting to obsess about my need to shed a few more pounds until I can almost run in the streets naked and sacred.

Who am I kidding?

I know myself so well that even if I do reach my ideal body weight, I still have the stretch marks and those little fat bumps that’ll remind me that I was once an overweight blob. And I can’t deal with this part of me. I knew things were starting to get out of hand when I started to consider getting a boob job, liposuction and tummy tuck altogether. But for someone like me who weighs a 110lbs., I think no surgeon would say yes if I want fat sucked out from my body. And I would never be satisfied. Ever. 

I always hope that I could go back to the time when I was much younger and stuffing myself with sinful food. I would tell myself to stop, not because I don’t want to be fat but I hate what fat did to me. Because I am still haunted by the insecurities that my chubby body cost me, I am struggling to look at the totality of myself, not just the parts of me that make me look ugly. Until the acceptance of my true “beauty“ doesn‘t sink in, I’ll shop until I drop and try my best, to be at my best all the time. Fact is, even if I don’t believe any compliment that comes my way, it’s still nice to hear that people take notice of how nice you look. Maybe one day, I’ll learn to believe them and I won’t have to fake looking confident, I will just be content… and way prettier inside.

fyi: BOYS, the  next time you tease or criticize a stranger, family member or partner about their weight, THINK FIRST. How would you feel if somebody tells you that you have a small dick, and worse, don’t know how to use it? That’s how it feels. And GIRLS, you don’t have a license to criticize other women just because you think it‘s more harmless. Insults are still insults no matter which mouth it comes from. In fact, you should be more shameful because you should know how it feels to feel ugly. Sometimes we forget these certain things in life. 

Riverdale's New Man... or so they think!

Veronica finally meets the man she could never have. He's hot, but he thinks girls are... well, not. Archie fans, meet the first gay character of  the beloved comic series, Kevin Keller!

"The introduction of Kevin is just about keeping the world of Archie Comics current and inclusive. Archie's hometown of Riverdale has always been a safe world for everyone. It just makes sense to have an openly gay character in Archie comic books," Archie Comics honcho Jon Goldwater said in announcing the news.

This is gonna be verrryyyy interesting. I have my hesitations if the writers can pull off the character of a gay guy in a conservative town without sounding discriminating, or too queer-loving that it might seem too out of character for the comics. But then again, A+ for effort, right? And honestly, aren't people sick and tired of the never- ending Betty- Veronica- Archie love triangle? Bring on some sweet pink lovin' and show these Riverdale folks what romance is all about!